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 17 October 2026

It's been a minute since I've written. I've been struggling with too may emotional and mental issues. Some days I'm living in the darkness and other days I'm getting by, but I have no joy inside and it's been gone for awhile now. I tell no one, but I can tell that they see it. I don't feel like talking about it, yet I also feel like I need to scream it to everyone.  I can't count the times in life that I have traveled this road, faking it through life, wearing the mask of caring, trying to help others in their needs. 

I allowed myself to step into a situation where I didn't belong, and of course, I got my feelings hurt, badly and deeply. The whole time I kept telling myself that I knew that the results of my actions would be costly, but I didn't stop. Now I'm reaping the results with no one to talk to about it because I don't know even one person who would understand what I did. I keep trying to talk to God about it without feeling condemned because I knew what I was doing, and sometimes I can feel His forgiveness, but I don't let it sink in deep enough to make it real to me.

Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I learn from past mistakes enough to keep good changes in me to stay there? Why do I keep betraying God? Why do I keep betraying me?

Life can be so confusing, so elusive. The ones I trust with who I am, go away.....

 

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